Riding The Waves As They Come

It’s weird how often you may forget a tragedy after it’s happened, yet you don’t forget what that tragedy stole from you. I can’t begin to describe how many times I’ll be going about my day, feeling decently normal. I hear my phone buzz with the same old text tone. I check it, expecting to see his name pop up, but I forget that it’s never going to be him again. It’s right at that moment everything comes flooding back in. You remember the day you got the news. You remember where you were, what you were doing, who you were with.

It’s scary thinking about that haunting day. So many times I try to avoid it. Who wants to think about the worst possible day that you never imagined would happen? It makes my heart pound, my body feel chills, sometimes it makes me dizzy and usually makes me nauseous. It’s the worst feeling.

On the other hand, the days I’m fully aware and know in my heart Caleb is gone, I find myself thinking about the happy memories. I think about the long conversations we had about life. I think about the adventures we had in the mountains. I think about the spontaneous things we did on date nights. It’s almost like I relive those memories, and it’s the best feeling in the world. Most of the time I can feel Caleb with me - I look beside me, and I can see him sitting next to me. I can hear his voice when I listen to the music we would blast on road trips. I hear his laugh when I say something stupid. And I fully indulge in these moments.

If I’ve learned one thing throughout this process, it’s how important it is to ride the waves as they come. It’s important to let yourself feel every emotion that fills your whole being, rather than stuff it down and pretend it’s not real. Even if it’s something you don’t want to feel. It doesn’t matter if you want to feel it or not, you’re going to. It’s going to creep in at a time you least expect it to, and it could break you. Wouldn’t you rather have faced those fears? The anger? The sorrow?

Ride the waves and let it happen. You’ll be stronger for it, and you will feel free.